this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Randomize