You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
