i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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