I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
She told me I should be a condom model.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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