So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
