The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
