i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
