You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
