if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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