Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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