ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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