I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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