You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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