Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
