Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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