So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
