I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
