Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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