Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
