who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
