it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
