college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
