I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
