everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
