my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
