you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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