Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
