I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
