I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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