Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
