I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
