dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
