I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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