There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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