No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
