I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
