if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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