Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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