would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
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