I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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