I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
