I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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