I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
