It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
