She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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