Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
