if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
someone owes me an orgasm
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
