She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
