Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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