I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize