I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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