so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
