Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
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