I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize