The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Randomize
