is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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