I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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