And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
it's like iHOP with fire
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
