There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
