Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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