Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
