watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
