just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
