You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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