he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
two words...techno handjob
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
